


Hear My Song

by Random_Nerd3, TheSevenUmbrellas (RosyPages)



Series: All Things JatP By Random_Nerd3 [52]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Asexual Character, Asexual Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Gen, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, JatP 18+ Discord server, Live Writing, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Realization, References to Depression, Sorry Not Sorry, Whump, based on the, hurt little comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Nerd3/pseuds/Random_Nerd3, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosyPages/pseuds/TheSevenUmbrellas
Summary: Luke struggles to come to terms with his sexual identity. Over time he realizes he is not as alone as he thinks he is and everything about him matters, especially the parts he hates the most.
Relationships: Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Series: All Things JatP By Random_Nerd3 [52]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939114
Comments: 26
Kudos: 173





	Hear My Song

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> Basically Sev and I are tag teaming angst fics in the jatp 18+ hellcord and so this is our aceLuke whump extravaganza. 
> 
> Jokes aside this fic does cover topics such as alcoholism, implied attempted rape, internalized homophobia, and anxiety attacks.
> 
> If any of that triggers you please click off this fic.
> 
> Anyways.
> 
> This was created by Sev and I clowning on the same wavelength for a few hours on discord. Pls excuse the possible errors.
> 
> Title taken from the musical Songs For A New World and the song Hear My Song.
> 
> Enjoy the Wump!
> 
> ~ Ren & Sev

Luke was fourteen years old but unlike the other boys his age he just couldn't understand what it meant when someone was 'hot'. It was one of the many things in life that confused him. People paid attention to how they looked, spending hours fixing their hair or putting on make up and that was always how it was. Noses were noses, eyes were eyes, there wasn't anything extra was there? Something in a nice girl Luke was too blind to see?

Still, Reggie would show him a magazine, and ask him to pick a model out of the pages to declare which one was the hottest. But how could he? They all looked the same to him. How could he like a picture on a page without knowing rhe person first? The few times he'd tried explaining his strange viewpoint on the term _hot_ to Reggie he was only answered by Reggie's furrowed eyebrows and the bassist just telling him to pick a girl.

After a while Luke just started picking out a page at random, not even bothering to look at the girl's boobs or her legs. His random selections seemed to appease Reggie and Bobby enough and he was always able to gear the conversation back to music before Luke got uncomfortable. The confusion always stayed with him though. He felt like a puzzle piece in his brain had fallen out of place. Like there was a universal truth no one had thought to tell him and he didn't already know. Apparently pictures were 'hot'. According to health class the first thing he was supposed to notice about girls were their lips, not their jokes or their kindness or the way their eyes lit up when he laughed. Apparently the way a girl styled her hair was more important than her rather impressive solo in music class. Apparently he was doing it all wrong. 

Luke learned how to adapt. He would make sure to make up crushes on celebrities so when he asked by a classmate he was prepared. He'd pick a girl at random whenever someone asked him who he thought was 'hot'. There was that word again... what did it even mean? He looked it up in the library one day, sneaking away from his boys long enough to pull out a dictionary. Being hot meant you had symmetrical facial features, apparently... Luke adapted, he taught himself how to lie. How to say _oh man Reggie you're so lucky you scored_ without it sounding like a complete lie… but the confusion stayed with him, nagging at the back of his mind refusing to let him go.

Overtime as Luke started to grow older and the band spent more time flirting with girls after gigs he just kept feeling more and more confused. _There was something wrong with him._ He didn't think people were hot or sexy or oogle at Sara from History she showed up to school wearing a low cut v-neck that showed a little bit of cleavage and take part in the cat calling.

There was a word for what Alex was. He was gay and it was hard but he at least had a word for it. He had _identity_ . Luke didn't have a word for how he felt, for why he never wanted to have sex or 'score' after gigs as Bobby so elequently puts it. Why waste time having The Sex when he could be writing more music or talking to a really nice girl at the venue and he'd want to talk to for hours only to leave her behind with a strange look of disappointment on her face. So after the gigs while Reggie and Bobby tag teamed a poor group of fangirls and when even Alex would end up leaving the venue with ruffled hair and blushing hard all the way down to his neck Luke would retreat back to the studio, alone where not even _music_ could give him a reason why he felt so different. Why there was something wrong with him that _wasn't_ just the fact he maybe-sorta-kinda liked Reggie and Alex and Bobby more than friends. But his boys all liked to have sex and Luke didn't so he never let himself get too attached to them, covering up his feelings by his loud boisterous personality and absorbing as many brief soft touches and shoulder hugs as he possibly can before the boys went off for their night of fun.

He was almost sixteen years old when he met a girl. Before her life had been simple. Music, band, friends, school repeat. Life was easy… until he met _her_.

Her name was Jo and she sat next to him in first period Spanish, the only class he didn't share with his boys. Every morning they talked about music and artists and bands. She'd show him her walkman and he'd bring her a new cassette to try out. When she smiled, he got butterflies in his stomach, something about her laughter was contagious and he loved how her eyes would twinkle in excitement at the sight of a new tape. 

He couldn't help but shake off the relief. 

He finally had a crush. A normal girl crush and sure he still didn't understand what _hot_ meant but Jo was nice and she had an _amazing_ voice. Luke couldn't help but fool himself into thinking that… maybe everything else would fall into place too. Maybe the rest would come with time. He could kiss her, right? He decided last week after kissing Reggie on a dare he still liked kissing. He just got squeamish at the thought of _sex._ He could learn to like the way she leaned in close, the way she stared at his lips when he talked. The boys teased him endlessly whenever he brought her up, positively gushing over how amazing she was. "She obviously has a crush on you!" Alex teased one day during lunch after months of twinkling eyes and butterflies. "Ask her out!" Alex insisted, pushing him a little bit in her direction. 

When he asked her it wasn't anything flashy or dramatic butShe beamed at him hard, her eyes reflecting like diamonds. The butterflies erupt from his stomach to his chest and Luke's pretty sure he's about to combust. The suspense killed him until she giggled and said _of course idiot who else would there be?_ They went on their first date the following weekend.

Except… that was the wekend when everything went wrong. Jo wanted to take Luke to a party, but house parties were never really his scene. When he told her Jo pointed out, "hey you wanna be a rockstar right? well rockstars gotta learn how to party." She batted her eyelashes and begged for a full thirty minutes but in the endLuke caved. Of course he did, all he wanted to do was make Jo happy. The party blasted trashy music and the house had way too many people in it, everyone packed inside like sardines in a can and they were all doing the weird thing where the girls would grind up against the guys and the room would get foggy and heated and Luke just wanted to leave but he promised Jo so he stayed.

They spent at the night talking about music and laughing at drunks. When Luke said he doesn't drink Jo just laughed and claimed the punch in his red solo cup isn't spiked. Luke trusted her, trusted her crystal clear shining eyes… and so he took the drink. Luke took one cup, and then a second, and then the next thing he knew Jo was pulling him up the stairs towards the bedroom because apparently the guy who's hosting the party has got a guitar signed by Led Zeppelin and Luke wants to see it with his own two eyes. Jo ducked into the bathroom for a few seconds and came out holding some kind of package in her hand, opening it with her teeth between the heavy kisses she pressed against his lips, each one leaving him more lightheaded than before.

When they finally got to the bedroom and Jo shoved him onto the bed it was obvious there wasn't a guitar signed by Led Zeppelin in the room.

The date ended with Luke walking home alone, feeling sick to his stomach. Something twisted in his gut as he could feel vile crawling up his throat. He could still feel her tongue in his mouth, wet and slimy and _gross_. He could still feel the ghost of her fingertips trailing up his spine, whispers of her sweet silky words echoed in his ear. He could still feel her hands where he didn't want to feel them them never asked to feel them. Worse than that though, he just felt stupid. 

How could he not have seen it coming? The party? The alcohol? What had he expected to happen? He could hear Reggie's voice in his head, _Woah dude, Jo wanted you that bad? Way to score my man!_ He could imagine Alex shrugging it away. _Luke I told you going to the party was a bad idea. Did you at least have fun?_ And then Bobby... Bobby who'd just complain how wasted Jo was on Luke in that deadbeat sarcastic half-joking kind of way he spoke.

God Luke was so stupid! So… so _broken_ . What was wrong with him and why couldn't he fix it? This wasn't going to be the kind of thing his mom could kiss better, or Alex could hum away or Reggie and Bobby could distract him from. The tears had started flowing the second he'd left the party and by the time he reached the front door of his house he was sobbing so hard he could barely breathe, his throat had constricted into itself and his chest heaved. Lucky his parents had gone out for the night. He didn't even know how to explain what happened to his friends, let alone his mom and dad. What would he even ask? _Mom, why can't I love like everyone else?_ Or maybe _why can't I just be normal_ is a better fit for his scenario. It was all he wanted, someone to talk to. Someone who _understood_. He needed it so much it hurt deep inside of him. 

He wanted Jo to look at him the same way she did in Spanish class. He wanted to moon over pretty girls like Reggie. He wanted to understand why Alex got all flustered when Tom from gym class showed up in a crop top. He wanted to feel anything other than disgust when Bobby went into too much detail about his latest date. He wanted to be fixed. _He wanted to be normal._

That night he laid in bed wishing so badly to not be alone but knowing the cost was too high for him to pay. He cried himself asleep in a bed too empty and far too cold.

The following Monday Luke couldn't bare to face Jo at school because he just knew she'd be angry at him. He knew she'd be upset and that she'd spread rumors about how he was strange and weird because he made her do all the work when apparently sex happened the other way around. It wouldn't matter that he was drunk and she came onto him. 

So instead of going to school like he promised his mom he would after his parents left for work he sunk back into his house because he knew his boys would probably show up to the studio after school to look for him first so to avoid them he stayed at home for once, locking the front and the back doors to make sure they couldn't get in no matter how hard they tried. He loved his boys - his band - but once Jo started the rumors that Luke wasn't able to 'get off' when she threw herself on him they'd think he's weird too weird to play guitar being gay and even though Bobby and Reggie were accepting of Alex Luke doubted they'd be accepting of his... whatever. 

People were gay, that was just how it is. Sure there were a few assholes here and there but he didnt know a single person except himself who had an aversion to the idea of sex like he did. So he did what he always did when he had to face an emotional crisis; he pulled out his notebook, flipped to an empty page and he _wrote_. 

He wrote lyrics about how he thought sex was gross and about how he couldn't understand why he loved everyone and how he wanted to know why he felt so alone all the time even though Reggie, Bobby, and Alex were always right there. Luke wanted to know why he couldn't bring himself to reach out and ask, smash through the thin panel of glass seperating him from the outside world. His boys were always right there for him but Luke ruined everything he touched and so he folded in on himself and spent the day curled up on top of the couch staring at the back of his front door with shreds of lyrics and songs never meant to be read by anyone else but him surrounding him.

Of course the knocks came at his door almost twenty minutes exactly after school ended. Luke startled awake, surprised he was even able to get sleep. "Luke, we know you're in here. We already checked the studio," Alex said, his voice sounding through the door. Alex knocked again and Luke flinched. He didn't know why, but he did. 

_Broken_. 

_Because I'm broken_ , Luke thought as he curled into himself tighter, his fingernails digging into his exposed arms.

"Luke! Seriously dude just open the door!" Alex shouted for some reason sounding more urgent. He couldn't. He didn't _want_ to. He just needed to curl up on the floor and cry and wait for the world to go away and - the door burst open and Reggie sprinted further into the house leaving the two of them alone. "Reggie needed to pee, so..." Alex said, wiggling his lock pick between his fingers. Bobby got it for him when the band found out his parents locked him in his room for hours on end without food or water or really anything at all. Despite himself Luke snorted because that was such a _Reggie_ thing to do. "Besides, it was either the lockpick or Emily's rosebushes." Luke glared at Alex through his red-rimmed eyes, huffing as he crossed his arms against his chest.

"That's not even fucking funny," Luke spat, hoping the drummer knew he wasn't really angry. Alex stood in the doorway still, his grin slowly melted off his ace. "Oh..." Alex whispered when he finally got a good look at him. "Luke..." Luke looked away, his cheeks burnt tomato red in embarrassment. He didn't even want to think about how he looked. He hadn't brushed his hair, hadn't changed out of pajamas was last night. He was sure his eyes were puffy from tears and his face always got blotchy when he cried. Luke barely had enough time to move to the side before Reggie was rushing past. "First door on your-" "I know!" Luke shook his head as Reggie disappeared around the corner. And then it was just him and Alex.

"We missed you today," Alex said as he slowly started rolled approach him. Luke appreciated the sentiment but he was _not_ looking to get coddled. Let him wallow in his self deprecation for once, please and thank you.

"Bobby?" Luke asked trying to fill the awkward silence between them. It was like they didn't know how to talk to each other anymore… like they were complete strangers. Luke knew it was his fault. He was the one who pulled away and he's the one keeping secrets now and he ruins everything he touches so when Alex moves to sit down on the couch Luke takes great care not to touch him. Alex was too good for Luke to ruin. Alex shoved his twiddling thumbs into his jacket pocket in an attempt to hide how anxious he was and Luke hated that he was the reason his best friend feltthis way. 

"Oh you know Bobby, allergic to emotions and all that. He's waiting back at the studio though if you... if you want to go back there later..." Alex said trailing off. He shoved past Luke to cover up the frown on his face before Luke saw it but he did. They both moved to sit on the couch, Luke purposely sitting as far away from Alex as humanly possible which caused Alex to raise an eyebrow in suspicion. 

"You look like hell," Reggie said, announcing his return. He flopped onto the couch and stretched his arm over Luke's shoulders. Luke tensed at the touch then had to remind himself that _no, these were his boys, they would never hurt him._ and he forced himself to relax ignoring his bouncing knee, the rhythm set to the beat of his anxiety. Luke tried to glare at the bassist, to br angry at him. Reggie ignored his look of anger and continued talking to himself. "Gee, thanks Reggie," he rambled, "how are you Reggie? I'm fine Reggie, thanks for asking Reggie." If Reggie kept talking then maybe they wouldn't ask Luke questions. If he wasn't asked questions then maybe he wouldn't have to lie to the people he thought of as his family. He wouldn't have to admit he was broken or start crying again or think about Jo and her hands and her tongue and Reggie just snorted. 

"I didn't ask, bro," Luke said, trying to keep the conversation lighthearted. 

"You're not fine," Alex said matter of factly. The anxiety in his voice made Luke wince, because he was never supposed to be the one Alex was worried about. Luke was supposed to worry about _them_. That was just the way things worked. When Alex broke down after answering a question wrong in English, or when Reggie showed up to the studio starving because his parents had been too busy arguing to remember to feed him Luke was the one who was there for them. Well, technically Luke and Bobby. Luke didn't need them to worry. He couldn't be a burden, not to them. So he just shrugged, leaned back, and proceeded to lie to his best friend's face.

"Needed some me time, you know?" Luke asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Reggie and Alex were painfully unimpressed, but Luke refused to elaborate the elephant in the room and they refused to talk first so they all sat in silence. Luke's knee bouncing up and down, Alex tapping a beat against the couch, and Reggie nervously glancing between them like he was watching a tennis match. Finally, when Alex spoke, Luke's eyes were glued to the floor. 

"You remember... you remember when I... I mean, before I came out - to you guys at least. I went on that one date? With the girl?" Luke didn't respond so Alex took that as silent permission to continue. "Well I thought that maybe if I did, I could learn to like her? If being gay was something that could just be… _taught_ out of me." Luke flinched, his hand starting to shane. 

He remembered.

Alex and the girl had quote unquote dated for all of three months before she finally broke up with him. Luke could recall how surprised he'd been about how well Alex had handled it. At tje time he half-expected Alex to have an anxiety attack or breakdown but he didn't. And it didnt make sense until Alex told them he was gay six months later.

"Alex..." Luke's voice broke. "I -" he cut himself off with a choking sound

The unshed tears in his throat sent a throbbing pain through his head. "It's not like that," _not exactly_ , he added as an afterthought.

They fall into silence again because what else was there to say when Luke himself refused to talk about it? Luke didn't have a word he could use and hope things would magically make sense. There wasn't going to be any heartwarming ending to his 'coming out' story. He was too strange, too cracked, t6o _broken_ for Alex and Reggie to love him after learning tje truth? Did it even count as coming out? Did he even have the _right_ to call it that since he wasn't gay _?_ Reggie broke the silence, trying to figure out a way to keep the conversation going. 

"You know you can trust us, right?" Reggie asked slowly, sensing the seriousness of the situation. He was always good at that, picking up on emotions. Luke swallowed thickly, words stuck in the back of his throat. "Tell us what's going on with you because Jo -"

Luke flinched. Violently.

He didn't know why. He and hated himself for it but he flinched at the sound of _her_ name. He pulled his knees up to his chest, biting his bottom lip between his teeth. He used all the power he had left just to stop himself from from sobbing again. "It's complicated?" Luke said, wording it like a question. It was all he offered them, his voice too raw and hoarse to say anything else.

Reggie moved first, because of course he did, coming close to settle in the place besides Luke. Even as she curled into the couch cushions, he made sure not to let them touch, and Luke's heart squeezed. "You know what's complicated?" Reggie asked suddenly, his eyes lit up like a puppy dog. "The music sheets you write up at three am when Alex's fallen asleep and I can't even see straight and Bobby's already left for the night. This isn't complicated bro just... you know... use your words. You're good at that." Luke let out an ugly sounding snort, the tears catching on the back of his tongue.

"Music's not that complicated, you just make it complicated." Luke said back, slowly feeling like he could relax again. Reggie gasped in mock offense. 

"Wow, okay, you know what's not complicated. Being nice to me. That's what," Reggie snarled earning himself a slap upside the heard from Alex. Luke rolled his eyes at their antics. He waited for a few seconds before leaning forward slightly, like he wanted a hug. Reggie moved instantly and pulled him close, his arms wrapped tightly around Luke, snaking around his back. Behind him the couch dipped, and then Alex was there with an extra weight on his back, the drummer's chin hooked onto the top of Luke's shoulder. 

"Just start talking," Alex mumbled, lips moving against where his hood was pulled up over Luke's head. "And we won't say anything until you're done, okay?" He knew he had to. He couldn't avoid it forever.

Broken. Cold. Frigid. Unlovable. Alone. Lonely.

That's all it took for Luke to break.

His body breaks down as he talks, as he explains everything that's happened. Everything from not knowing how to tell if someone is hot to hating the idea of sex to having a crush on all three of his boys all at once and he can't stop talking because god it feels so good to get it all off his chest even though he knows they'll leave him behind once they learn what a freak he was. He talked and he explained and he tried to apologize for everything because _he was bad_ and because _I don't blame you if you hate me now, I hate myself too._ And then through the chaos and the shadows and the fears and the tears he can make out the sharp diamonds of Alex's eyes, sparkling in a mix of concern and worry. Alex asks Reggie to turn off the lights and the darkness makes things better and worse because the recent memory of Jo's slimy tounge sliding down his throat pushes to the forefront of his mind and he _gags_ . Alex distracted him by gently placing a hand on his knee and asking _Luke, do you want a hug?_

In response all Luke was able to do is nod. He couldn't talk. He couldn't breathe. The panic was thick in his throat. It clung to his tongue, and he was gagging on it, violently choking, his stomach clenching. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. But he could nod. Alex wrapped his arms around him, and Luke returned to the warm comfort of sweatshirts and flannel, of strong arms and sweet touches that didn't mean anything, didn't require anything from him. They rocked him together. He was held gently, with care, as if he were something to be cherished. As if he meant something. As if he could be put back together again with forehead kisses and hummed lullabies. "There's nothing wrong with you," Alex whispered like it was a secret, something meant for only him to hear. It was the most sure Luke had ever heard Alex sound about anything. Reggie nodded against his back in agreement. 

"You didn't do anything wrong," Reggie says, his voice vibrating through Luke's sleeveless muscle tee. There was something else to that... something that seemed to go without saying. _He didn't do anything wrong_ but there had been a wrong done. There was a hint that maybe someone else was at fault here. That was a door Luke couldn't bring himself to open. 

Seconds ticked into minutes and Luke found his eyelids grow heavy and couldn't help but sleep between them, ignoring his eyes sticky with tears. He would come to consciousness a few seconds at a time, his brief moment of tense muscles met by gentle strokes to his back or a squeeze of his hand. At the confirmation that he was safe, he'd let himself drift off. 

They had to talk. He knew that. It wasn't the end this wasn't something he could just walk away from... but... it was the end of something. He could feel the loneliness start to melt away. Maybe the barrier between himself and the rest of the world, the sheet of glass that kept him at arms length, was cracking. It wasn't all gone. Maybe it never would be. But for the time being, he could feel Reggie's heartbeat against his chest, and the warm callouses of Alex's fingers against his wrist.

  
  


Then the following week they booked the Orpheum and all thoughts about Jo and her slimy tongue were pushed to the back of his mind under lock and key because holy fuck they booked the orpheum. Luke wanted it to be one of the best performances of their lives so he avoided Alex's questions and looked away from the concerned looks Reggie shot him during practices and when he had to be partners with Jo for a school project. And when Bobby seemed to catch on that something wasn't quite right he didn't ask Luke directly. Instead he filled Jo's locker with whipped cream and one day in the middle of fourth period Luke caught Bobby and Jo having a heated conversation in the hallway at school. Luke watched from a distance as Bobby seemed to just get angrier and more upset when Jo talked. He turned around and pretended he didn't see it happen because they booked the Orpheum. 

When Luke pitched the idea of Now or Never his boys loved it and they debuted it on the Orpheum stage during their soundcheck and they met a really cute girl named Rose who Bobby instantly took a liking too so Luke dragged Reggie and Alex out to eat street dogs before he had to watch his friend suck face.

Then they died. 

They fucking died. 

Luke was convinced he was cursed by someone out to get him some strange celestial being who exists only to bring him pain. He wouldn't even be mad if he'd died any other day. Kill him off before a big math test and he'd bring gold offerings to an alter but no. He had just had to die the night they were playing at the Orpheum. But then again... maybe the world didn't hate him quite as much as he'd thought. 

Death became a warped blessing in disguise because there was a girl. A girl who loved music and made him laugh and was gentle and kind and wonderful. And one of the most wonderful things about this girl was that she couldn't touch him. Which meant there were no expectations and Luke couldn't let her down. Sure, sometimes he wished he could touch Julie. Sometimes all he wanted to do in the world was wrap her in a warm hug and tell her everything was going to be all right. He wanted to link their fingers together. He wanted to pinkie promise he'd never leave her ever, ever, ever. But she didn't expect anything extra from him, and that, in the privacy of his own head, he could admit he was grateful for.

\---

Julie could instantly sense there was something off with Luke but she didn't want to pry, they did just meet after all. But then they bonded over losing a mom and they bonded over music, spending a whole weekend writing with another person meant you really got to know them. And so Julie caught onto the strange ways the boys would interact with each other. How Luke always seemed to be the one to initiate the touches and the bro-hugs and the rough housing first. It was almost as if Alex and Reggie would wait for silent confirmation, a tap on the arm or a haunted look in Luke's eyes that she couldn't quite place. If she was being perfectly honest she decided she never wanted to be able to look in the mirror and see the shadows in Luke's eyes reflected in her own. She noticed how after their performance of Stand Tall Luke seemed to slowly get worse. That since she could touch him now he had taken to keeping her at arm's length with high fives and fist bumps and his eyes looked darker than they were before, it was like... like whatever happened in the damn ghost club, the one time she couldn't help them, something happened that caused Luke to start to close in on himself and shy away from their touches.

As for Luke... he was slowly imploding on himself. He didn't know what to do. Half of him screamed for Julie. Julie was safe, Julie would understand, Julie would never hurt him. But the other half of him... couldn't take that risk. So he put distance between them. He jumped to the other side of the room if they became tangible. Music writing weekends would consist of each of them on separate couches. If she went in for a hug or even just threw a friendly arm around his shoulder, he'd pull back as gently but as quickly as possible. He hated the confusion in her eyes. He hated the way she started to shy away from him, matching his own instinct. It was an ugly mirror. It was Alex and Reggie (of course, it was always Alex and Reggie) who cornered him in the studio, three months after their Stand Tall performance. "Dude... we gotta talk," Reggie said, his voice as serious as Luke has ever known him to be. Luke already knew what they wanted to talk about. 

"We already talked," Luke growled out, trying to tune his guitar.

"No, we didn't," Alex pointed out all to happily. "Not really. Not enough."

"Yes," Luke said, his eyes flashing a dangerous shade darker than they usually were. "Enough." Luke expected his boys to drop it like they always do. For Reggie to shy away from the confrontation of it all and for Alex's eyes to soften and say _it's okay Luke we're still going to be here for you_ but something's different about it this time.

It's not just Luke who's having problems. Now it's Julie too. Sweet, beautiful sings-like-an-angel Julie who shouldn't have to put up with his bullshit and his _one big huge massive flaw_ because she doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve him and he doesn't understand how she could want someone so broken when Nick's right there throwing himself at her. When Alex rolled his shoulders back and grabbed Luke's guitar from him andnarrowsed his eyes and - shit now Alex is angry. Alex is scary when he's angry - slightly saying "we _avoided_ talking about it Luke. For literally twenty five years. Dude why can't you just talk to us? I thought you trusted us, I thought you trusted me." The shock of Alex pushing back is enough for Luke to choke back tears as he cries.

"I didn't want it Alex. I don't want it. Ever," Luke says the words were sticky and gross when they left his mouth.

Luke glared at the floor, shame burned his cheeks bright red. Maybe that was why he was so surprised when Reggie's voice came out gentle and calm. "That's okay Luke. You know that right? That's totally okay." Luke wanted to argue. Of course it's not okay. _It's never been okay._ It wasn't okay twenty-five years ago and it's not okay now. Because now Julie could touch him. And he could touch her. And she was going to want things. Maybe not now, but in the future. At some point. Everyone always did. His girlfriend-for-a-day in first grade who wanted to push her sticky lips into his cheek. His seventh grade crush who rolled her eyes when he'd told her he'd never kissed anyone. Jo. His silence was enough for Alex to inhale sharply.

"You didn't do anything wrong." Luke just rolled his eyes. Sure. "Luke," Alex repeated, his voice sharp. "Look at me." He could feel the shame burning in his stomach, and twenty-five year old tears prickling at his eyes, the effort of keeping them back throbbing in his skull. But he looks up. He could never deny Alex anything. "You did not do anything wrong." The drummer took a step forward, his eyes bright with something Luke didn't recognize. It wasn't a look he'd ever seen on Alex before. "And I am so sorry that we let you go so long thinking that you did."

Alex carefully reaches out a hand to comfort him but it's too much and Luke flinches back but for some reason Alex doesn't look hurt this time or upset instead the diamonds in his eyes sparkle with concern and then Reggie speaks up, his words spoken carefully like he didn't want to risk scaring Luke off when he asked, "Luke I know it's... it's a lot right now but when you say you didn't -" Reggie starts before Luke cuts him off without even letting him finish the question. 

"- Jo. I meant Jo."  
  


Luke swallowed hard as the silence enveloped them once more. Reggie was the first to speak. "The way she was talking... at school, I mean. And the way you acted... I'm sorry, man. We should've known. We should've done something." He shook his head, staring at the ceiling as if the answers to life mysteries were hidden in the beams of the studio. 

"When Bobby said..." Alex started, then trailed off, shaking his head. "He said he talked to her. He was upset, I just didn't think... I don't know why I didn't think..." Luke could only shrug at them. 

"It's over now. It's whatever." 

"No!" Both the boys exclaimed at the same time and Luke furrowed his eyebrows in response.

"Luke... it's okay to feel... however you feel about it," Alex said slowlu. "But dude... you have to feel something. You have to let yourself feel _something_."

And then Reggie's face twists into something Luke has decidedly never wants to see again and Reggie doesn't want to leave Luke, not right now not like this but he has to do something because the vile snake of a woman shouldn't be allowed to live outside of a prison cell, even if it is technically twenty years after the fact. So Reggie poofs into Julie's room - luckily she's still at school - and types Jo's name into google like he'd seen Carlos do a million times before. Turns out she's still local. 

Turns out she went to their fucking funerals. 

Reggie curled his fingers into the palm of his hand, his fingernails digging into the skin. He moved to punch the computer screen but in his anger he lost control of his solidity and his fist went all the way through the computer. Reggie poofed to Trevor's mansion in one jump. It took a major tax on his energy but he didn't care. Something had to be done about the bitch who hurt their brother. Reggie ended up finding himself in Trevor's office scribbling a note on a blank sheet of paper, taping it to the computer screen where Trevor would see it. _If you want us to forgive you make her pay. I don't care how. She hurt my brother._ At the end of the note he scribbled Jo's full name and the address listed on her facebook account. If Trevor wanted them to forgive him then he would have to do the one thing he and Alex can't; get revenge for what Jo did to their brother.

Luke was left alone with Alex, staring at the space Reggie had been just seconds ago. His stomach dropped. "I... I'm sorry," he murmured, mostly to himself.

"Luke," Alex whispered, his voice breaking. That made Luke feel worse. Because Alex was breaking. Because of him. Not because of anxiety or his parents or some stupid boy who didn't recognize how amazing Alex was... he was breaking because of Luke. "What're you sorry for?" The words are too soft. They're so gentle they hurt like razor wire dragging against his skin. 

"I'm sorry," he repeated. He didn't know what else to say. He just wanted it to go away. He wanted all of this to go away. He wrapped his arms around himself, nails digging hard into his own skin. "I'm sorry I can't... I mean I want to talk I just... I don't know what to say. I don't know the words. It's just all messed up in my head and I don't know how-" He stopped, throat catching, words failing him. Alex nodded slowly in response, a look of understanding in his eyes.

"Yeah. Okay. I know how that feels, okay? We're gonna breathe for a second. You and me?" Luke had never been more thankful for Alex before. He didn't try to move closer, didn't try to hug him or touch him. He just raised a hand, and as he did, Luke sucked in a shaky breath. When the hand lowered, Luke exhaled as long as he could. Their breaths matched, Alex taking the lead, Luke following. They'd done this before, but it'd always been Luke or Reggie leading as Alex sobbed, trying to take in oxygen. Being on the other side of it... he had a new respect for Alex. Because this shit was terrifying.

They didn't stop breathing until long after Reggie had returned. The three of them sat in the studio. No one talked. No one moved. It was only after Luke had stopped shaking that Alex spoke again. "Do you think you could try talking now? Like before? Just... word vomit it out for us, yeah? Don't try to make sense. We'll help you with that after. Just like you tell me to do when I'm panicking about something. Right?" Alex asked.

Luke nodded, swallowing thickly. "Okay... I'll try and do that... I... I just... I talked before, right?" He inhaled, a long drawn out breath as he compiled his thoughts. "I know I'm different. I tried to explain it. But it's just _hard_. I mean it was even before Jo... just before. But now... Now it's like there's no happy ending. There's nothing left for me, right? I mean I'm dead and that's not even the worst part. Because I was just so relieved when Julie couldn't touch me. How selfish is that? It is! It's selfish. I couldn't hug her when she was upset, I couldn't play with her hair. And I wanted to, you know? I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to... I don't know.. I wanted us to watch a movie together like a real couple. And now I have that chance and I just can't! Because I know she's going to be able to tell I'm different. Or she's going to want to so something that I... that I can't... and I just... His breathing hitched again. The words died in his throat. "I hate this so much. I want to be normal so, so bad. And I just can't."

And then the voice of an angel cuts through the chaos of his mind and Luke snaps his head to the studio doors when he hears Julie sniffle and say, "there's nothing wrong with you Luke. There's nothing wrong - can I?" She asks, hesitant to step further into her own studio. Luke nods slowly and that's all the permission Julie needs to rush forward and pull him in for a hug, wrapping her warm solid arms around him as she squeezes him tightly. Alex and Reggie exchanged a look, like they wanted to leave them alone but were unsure if Luke would be okay with it so over Julie's shoulder he mouths thank you and they take that as their cue to poof out. When they're alone again Julie spends ten whole minutes hugging Luke and he thinks she probably is an actual angel because that's the longest amount of physical touch he's received since Jo. 

"I don't want to have sex," Luke said breaking the silence between them. He started to laugh as he realized the truth. "Julie I just don't want to have sex!" He exclaimed, his giggles turning into a fit of laughter as he doubled over wrapping an arm around his stomach. Julie let him have this, let him have his moment of realization his moment of self-discovery. She looked slightly concerned when his laugh turned slightly insane but smiled back at him, eyes sparkling like she was proud of him. Julie reached up and lightly cupped his cheek with her right hand, he leaned into her warmth without thinking about it. "I think that's the first time I've said that out loud before," he admitted, still giggling and breathless and puffy eyed from crying. She hummed, still clinging to him. Her palm was warm against his skin. 

"I'm proud of you, honey." "Honey?" he repeated. It was her turn to blush. "You don't like it?" 

"I don't... not like it." Honey.... it was cute. He'd never been called a pet name before... he'd given up on wanting anything like that. The idea that he could be called something so simple, so casually filled with love... He started giggling again, a tear falling down his cheek. Julie wiped it away. She was so gentle. So unlike anything he'd ever felt before. Her finger tips didn't send panic burning through his nerves. Her warmth didn't make his brain scream. She was safe. She was so, so different from... from before... from the other time... He couldn't believe he'd wasted so long not letting her touch him. 

"Luke," she said. "We can talk about this, you know? What you want. What you don't want. It's important. As long as... you want something right? With me?" 

"Gosh, yes!" he said, the volume of it taking them both by surprise. "Julie yes I want... I want something. This thing between you and me... I want it so bad I just... didn't know I could take it."

Something twinkled in Julie's eye and she drops her hand from cupping his face in favor of holding his hands in hers and she said, "you know there's a word for it now. Uh, how you feel I mean." Luke's eyes light up and he's suddenly filled with so much joy and love and hope he feels like a kid on Christmas morning. "You don't have to identify with it but sometimes it's easier for people like you to remember you aren't alone." Luke wants to cry but he's all cried out so instead he just nods and says,

"please I - I've been looking for so long." Julie hums lightly, the song reminding Luke of springtime, of sunlight and flowers.

"It's called acesexuality, people who identify with it they just don't feel sexual attraction towards others. It's completely okay for you to feel like this. I mean, there's a lot more labels out there but right now its okay to just focus on the one. The amount of pain you must've gone through I -" Julie said, starting to ramble. Luke cut her off by leaning forward and placing a chaste kiss against her lips. She gasped when he pulled away before lurching forward to steal another kiss from him.

"so it's a good thing I'm a really good kisser than huh?" Luke asked. He wiggled his eyebrows and made her giggle, the sound like crystals twinkling in the wind.

They settled into the couch together, Luke curled up into Julie's chest, her fingers playing with his hair. It was warm and comforting, and everything he'd ever wanted. She smelled like rose and mint. One hand traced lazy patterns against his back and he found he could relax into it, breathing away any residual panic from earlier. This was what they wrote about in fairytales. Not sticky sheets and the taste of alcohol, but music notes and the sound of her heartbeat.

"So," she said, "you like kissing."

A flush bloomed on his cheeks, but he nodded. 

"Yeah. Like _that_ though," he said, blushing furiously at the mere thought of sex. "Not anything... anything more. If that's okay," he said, half-asking. She gently squeezed his his hand and gave him another kiss.

"It's more than okay, sweetie." She said a mischievous glint in her eyes. There she goes with another pet name. He turned his head to bury his smile in her hair. 

"I like cuddling too. Like this. We can do this more, yeah?" He asked, letting her nuzzle into him closer.

"Of course," she said, snickering at the hopeful hint in his voice. "Whenever you want."

"Tell me what else you like." Luke offered, knowing Julie wouldn't push him.

"I want to hold your hand,"

Julie said as she shifted, and then held out her hand, palm upwards. He didn't hesitate to link his fingers with hers. 

"Look at that!" Luke exclaimed like an excited puppy dog. "We're holding hands." He pulled Julie closer into his chest, finally beginning to understand that he wasn't broken. He wasn't shards of glass littering the ground at his feet.

He was _whole_ , and more importantly now?

Now he was free.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow us on Tumblr! 
> 
> Sev: @thesevenumbrellas
> 
> Ren: @Random-Nerd-3


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